HMS BRIGHTON - Bungy's Ballard

 

There’s a holiday place they call Brighton

Well noted for fresh air and fun

And a lady called Fiona Richmond

Who goes there and flashes her BUM

 

There’s also a ship they call Brighton

That’s not ………..funny at all

You ask any sailor that’s on her

And watch him go up the wall

 

The Captain, Commander J.M. Porter

There’s nothing that he wouldn’t dare

Except to visit a barber

Or have curlers put into his hair

 

The Jimmy, now there’s a kind feller

The talk of the mess decks for months

The lads can’t get over his kindness

He gave them a Make and Mend once

 

A kindly old soul is the Jaunty

You never see him go berserk

He sits at his desk and smiles kindly

While Bob Singleton does all the work

 

Phil Morton and all his young TAS apes

Find submarines with absolute ease

Then them silly ………..on ‘T’ Mortar

Forget to take out ‘T’ safety keys

 

Next on the list, the Rose Petals

Carry handbags by unwritten law

If you go in the Ops Room to see them

All they say is “Shut that Door”

 

Hinny Holt is a stoker, they tell me

Never known to miss a night’s sleep

Eats nowt and does exercises daily

To slim down to a ……. great heap

 

There’s Swales, Drayton and Rummery

Who do nothing but twiddle their thumbs

Or challenge innocent tankers

And sent home Modmails to their Mums

 

The smoothest man on the Brighton

Is a Seaman PO called Jock Wann

With the face and the voice of an angel

That someone has trodden upon

 

Young Freddy Gibbs feeds the sailors

And he’s quite a reasonable man

His talents are obviously wasted

Cos He’s been put on the Black List of Oxfam

 

The greatest snag by far are Airey Fairies

Who play all day long with their toy

And sit half the night in their hanger

Discussing who next to annoy

 

They’ve got two too many club swingers

They should take them ashore in Scapa Flow

To the darkest and loneliest gymnasium

And say “Onto the wall bars go”

 

The Gunners that man the big turret

And cackle their fat about shoots

Want to p…. off back to Whale Island

And put their ………….brains back in their boots

 

Doc Carne and Tony Pitts in the Sick Bay

One wonders just why they get paid

They just smother legs up with plaster

And waffle about salt tablets and First Aid

 

The Greenies are super efficient

And the best of them by far

Is that wizard in charge of the movies

Your friend and mine “ J.R.”

 

Now take off your hats to the stokers

They should never be called “Oily Rags”

They can mend leaky tubes in the boilers

But Bob Batey causes some snags

 

That silly old sod Father Davies

There’s one that you thought I had missed

He was bowman on Moses Basket

But got drafted because he was pissed

 

But if you have served on the Brighton

Puff out chest and walk ten feet tall

Cos there’s one place where no one could beat her

In Chatham alongside the wall...