When I was on the Ark Royal, they had a cleaning part that had a mess deck in 6 Tango 2. I preferred it to being in the main galley as a chef, so I asked if I could stay doing this gash work.
Our H/Q and store room was just beyond 4 Alpha heads. This was a semi-circle of traps, that enabled twenty four hairy-arsed matelots to have a good dump whenever the need arose.
One evening I was the duty cleaning party hand, and had to present the heads as "ready for rounds sir!". The duty officer said the usual crap like 'where's your career going son?! I would answer, 'down the bog sir'. Fortunately this particular evening the duty pig had a sense of humour. The traps were immaculate. Gleaming and pristine, they were without doubt the most important part of that great ship.
The trap doors were like the saloon doors in the 'wild west', and therefore when somebody was having a dump, the lower part of their legs were showing. Why the doors on one particular trap were closed, I had no idea.
"Why is the door on that head shut?", asked the duty pig.
"I don't know sir", I answered.
He walked up to the doors and pushed them open. Sitting there polishing his todger like a rating that had not poked a party for a couple of weeks was this very embarrassed MEM, just about to reach the vinegar strokes.
With myself, the duty pig, and three other lads about to crack up, the officer said:
"Excellent wrist action son!"
Let's face it lads, there's nothing like the real thing!